Sisters' Bond: Love Them, Hate Them

Sept. 9, 2009— -- As with most sisters, there's a lot of squabbling between the three Musco sisters of Garrison, N.Y., Nicole, 19, Daniella, 16, and Alexis, 14. They skirmish over just about everything -- from who gets to sit shotgun in the car, to who cleans up after dinner and who gets to drink the last Pepsi. Often, it centers on who has borrowed stuff from whom.

Nicole was recently packing to go back to college with her two sisters by her side when Alexis asked her about a black sweater that Nicole had borrowed. Nicole told her she wasn't giving it back.

"But that's my black sweater," Alexis said. To which Nicole responded, "I know but I really like it."

When Alexis told her sister that she had some explaining to do, Nicole said, "I don't have to explain. I just figured that eventually you'd get it when you didn't get the black sweater back."

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In the Musco household, like many others, clothing is a major flashpoint for the sisters.

"There's that feeling of being encroached upon," said Deborah Tannen, author of "You Were Always Mom's Favorite! Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives."

"You're always trying to see how close do we want to be? What's too close?" she said. "Well, seeing your clothes on your sister might be too close."

When "20/20" first met the sisters, Alexis found a broken headband she had borrowed from Nicole sandwiched between the sofa cushions.

"I just bought these headbands. You've gotta be kidding me. Everything I give you, you ruin. Every shirt is stained. Every pair of sneakers is crap. Now my headband is friggin broken," Nicole screamed.

Alexis is a target for her two older sisters, who pick on her relentlessly.

"What bugs me about Alexis is the way she wears her makeup, the way she does her hair, the clothes she wears," Nicole said, "Just her whole being annoys me."

But it's all said with a measure of jest. The sisters, part of a boisterous Italian-American clan, also love one another tremendously.

"It hurts at times when they pick on me, but I like the closeness we have. I don't want to picture growing older, not being with them for four years of my life in college," Alexis said.

CLICK HERE to read an excerpt of Tannen's new book.

'Sister Sparring' Seems to Be Truism

As one of four sisters, I know from first-hand experience that "sisterly sparring" seems to be a truism. We're all now married with children, but earlier this summer, at my parents' 50th wedding anniversary, we got together and I interviewed them for this story.

I asked, "Why is it that a word of advice from your sister feels like criticism and that whatever your sister says, stings so much more than what your friend says?"

My youngest sister Mimi replied: "Because they're so important, what you guys think of me and vice versa is extremely important and it's just, you know, it could touch a nerve."

Tannen, who interviewed over a hundred sisters for her latest book, said it's the oldest sister who usually doles out the criticism -- or advice, depending on whose point of view you're taking.

For the Muscos, eldest sister Nicole admits to bossing people around. She could definitely be mistaken for the sisters' mother when she advises Daniella to "just be careful" while Daniella is driving all three to the mall. Daniella retorts, "I know how to drive!"

"It's such a universal about people who are close that you want to help. You want to do things that are the best for her. But any time you're offering help, there's an implied criticism," Tannen said. She suggests sisters try and bite their tongue before doling out any criticism.

Sharing Secrets: The Sisterly Bond

Sisters tend to talk about the important and private things in their lives, which makes the sisterly bond so powerful.

"They tend to talk about more personal things," Tannen said. "That can be wonderful. It can mean they feel closer, but it can be more dangerous. Your feelings can be hurt more easily if you're talking about something that's so personal and important to you."

And while sharing secrets can bring sisters together, it also can be divisive.

"Telling each other secrets is a measure of how close we are," Tannen said. "So if you find out that your sister didn't tell you something, there's a feeling of, 'We're not as close as I thought we were. She doesn't trust me.'"

My sisters and I used to feel excluded when we discovered we weren't the first to be told a piece of big news about each others' lives. To avoid that awful feeling, we came up with a solution of how not to feel left out.

When one of us has really big news, i.e., someone's pregnant or getting engaged, or has a new job, we all tell one another via conference call, that way everyone finds out at the same time and there's no hard feelings.

What Binds Sisters Can Tear Them Apart

But the "talk glue" that binds sisters together can also create deep rifts. That's exactly what Dianne Davis, 69, a southerner who heads a non-profit, Constructores Para Cristo, that builds houses for the poor in Mexico, said happened with her and her older sister Sandra Trippitelli McHenry, a 70 year-old New Englander with her own business called Nana Sandy's Specialty Foods.

The two sisters have not spoken in five years; they haven't seen each other in nine.

"It was a conflict between our daughters," Davis said. "It was a misunderstanding, it was a very unfortunate situation."

For McHenry, who is just 20 months older than her sister, the final straw was that Davis never helped her, she says, when their mother was dying.

"I can still to this day see my mother lying in the bed -- 'Where's Dianne? Where's Dianne? Where's Dianne?'" McHenry said.

Both sisters said the bad blood between them started in their youth.

"Sandra didn't like me because I was younger and she had been the first child. I think she resented me for coming along," Davis said. "She would be mean to me. She would kick me under the table at meals."

McHenry admitted that Davis "truly was very pretty and of course there's always the possibility that I was a little jealous."

Even though both women held onto bad memories, each had a yearning desire to reconnect with the other. And both sisters held on to some good memories, too.

"When my first child was born, she came down and took care of me," Davis said.

And for McHenry, "She was a very integral part of my daughter's wedding, which made it very nice for me."

Estranged Sisters Attempt Reconciliation

When we posted a request on the "20/20" Web site for estranged sisters wanting to reconcile, Davis and McHenry's older half-sister Marie Fernandes responded to the posting by email.

"I have two sisters as different as night and day and totally estranged," Fernandes wrote. "Two successful ladies in their field of endeavor but missing the pleasures of sharing their very diverse and interesting lives ... Wish I could help them forgive and forget."

Both sisters agreed to a reunion hosted by Fernandes. Before the meeting, both spoke to Tannen to discuss their thoughts and concerns.

With a little soul-searching, McHenry and Davis both said, they might be able to heal their wounds. McHenry said that for her, dealing with the past was crucial.

"We have to talk about the past. The past is what has made us today and we have to learn from each other what has made us estranged," she said.

The day of their August 2009 reunion, emotions ran high. Their half sister Fernandes, who hosted the reunion at her Connecticut home, said she felt a sense of urgency about their meeting.

"They're both mobile, can move around, visit each other. Once that ends, that's it," she said. "If it's ever going to happen, it should be now."

Long-Awaited Reunion Arrives

McHenry arrived first. When Davis arrived, McHenry walked outside and they both wrapped their arms around each other warmly.

McHenry told Davis, "They said, 'Would you recognize her?' and I said 'Of course, she's the most beautiful woman here.'" To which Davis responded, "I love you." And McHenry reciprocated: "I love you, too."

After a pleasant lunch and short bike ride (both sisters, we found out, love to bike), the sisters sat down to talk and the mood soured.

McHenry brought up the past: "Where were you when our mother died and she asked for you?"

Davis told McHenry: "You want to know where I was, Sandra? I was there." She then followed up with a question, "Did you help me at all?" and Davis replied, "Did you ask?"

This kind of repartee among sisters is all too common Tannen said.

"The 'You didn't offer/You didn't tell me,' is a constant source of conflict in every close relationship," she said. "One of them felt, 'If you want something you should tell' -- and the other feeling, 'If you love me you would offer.' I think it's so important to realize that both these styles make sense."

Davis asked McHenry if she remembered "throwing me on the floor and kicking me and kicking me?" To which McHenry replied, "We were little kids, I probably did do that."

After more accusations and concessions, both women seemed to feel a sense of relief.

"We've been sweeping it under the rug. The rug has bumps," McHenry said. "It's time to straighten out the rug. And I feel a lot better."

"Things happen. You have to have love in your life and in your heart and embrace your family," Davis said.

Tannen said it's important for estranged sisters trying to patch things up to recognize the other sister's complaint.

"If you each acknowledge the other's complaint, rather than keep focusing on why you feel you've been wronged, I think you'll have a lot better chance of feeling understood enough that you feel you can go forward," Tannen said.

Since their August reunion, the two formerly estranged sisters have kept up an email correspondence. They both say they'll work on keeping in touch with one another.

Their efforts send a strong message to all sisters: it's never too late for willing parties to try and repair a broken relationship. The sisterly bond is too important to ignore.