How to Avoid 'Desperate Housewives' Surrogacy Love Triangle

May 22, 2006 — -- Jealousy, paranoia and infidelity strike the set of "Desperate Housewives" when Gaby and Carlos Solis decide to turn their live-in cleaning lady into a live-in surrogate to carry their child.

In the season's finale, Gaby, played by Eva Longoria, scatters baby monitors under all the beds after finding her live-in surrogate's ripped undergarment. She then leaves her husband and surrogate alone in the house so she can spy on them, only to hear her husband comment on how "amazing" the surrogate's moo shu pork is: "I wish Gaby could cook like this."

We see Xiao-Mei, the surrogate, get the royal treatment from Carlos, who lets her sleep in the couple's king-size bed because of her morning sickness, leaving Gaby to sleep in a twin-size bed with her husband.

Soon we find out that Carlos, played by Ricardo Antonio Chavira, is cheating on his wife with the surrogate, played by Gwendoline Yeo. Gaby kicks her husband out of the house and keeps the surrogate living with her: "I'm the boss of you," she tells her. "I'll make these next nine months a living hell." The show depicts surrogacy as a complex dynamic that can strain a marriage.

Real-Life Surrogate Times Three

This type of turmoil doesn't just play out on television -- it can happen in real life, too. But psychologists say it can also be avoided if couples are prepared for the potential strains.

Carole Jackson, 45, of Murrieta, Calif., has given birth to five children -- two of her own and three as a surrogate mother -- and says the story line on "Desperate Housewives" might make for good television but that it couldn't be further from her own experience.

For Jackson, helping women who are either infertile or physically unable to carry a fetus to term was one of the most incredible experiences of her life, she says.

"Usually, the surrogate is trying to pull the woman into the pregnancy and make them really feel like they're going through it," says Jackson.

The sexual tension between the surrogate and the intended father is something Jackson hasn't experienced.

"The intended father just becomes generic. He usually feels uncomfortable with the surrogate and gets friendly with the surrogate's husband, which is nice, because sometimes the surrogate's husband can feel left out. So they'll go golfing together and do male bonding activities," says Jackson, who still stays in contact with the couple for whom she carried twins.

But Jackson does admit that there were "some difficult dynamics" with the other couple she was the surrogate for.

"The intended mother knew she had fertility issues all along, and that she'd never be able to carry a child," says Jackson.

Love Triangle Tickles Human Psyche

Susan Kavalier-Adler, a New York psychoanalyst, says bringing that third element into a marriage triggers a lot in the human psyche.

"Often there's triangulation in people's psycho-fantasy life. When a surrogate enters the equation, the surrogate could represent whatever their fantasies are," she says.

So how can one prevent such difficult dynamics from arising? Professionals who match surrogates with couples say drawing a strict business line between the surrogate and the parents is not the approach to take. "This is a personal relationship, not a business relationship," says Sherrie Smith of the Center for Surrogate Parenting.

Smith says the center spends time upfront trying to prevent these types of strenuous relationships from forming.

"If the intended mother has a lot of anger or grief about not being able to carry her own child then we're going to have a problem. She can't be withholding attention from the surrogate," she says.

It is hard to know how the intended mother is going to react to the surrogate, says Smith. "That's why it's crucial that a counseling team gets involved before and throughout the pregnancy," she adds.

Preventing a Bad Dynamic

Ronnie Hirsh, a couples therapist in Manhattan, says the simple presence of a surrogate can muddy the waters of communication for a couple. He recommends a line be drawn from the start, a line that specifies how and when the surrogate will be involved in the couple's lives. "Going to medical meetings together is understandable but actually living together -- that would create a very unstable dynamic of jealousy and envy," Hirsh says.

Hirsh says the marriage must be strong before a couple decides to go into a surrogate situation, because adding a third person to procreation can create feelings of inadequacy for a woman. Hirsh and other psychologists emphasize how important it is for couples to maintain stability in their marriage during the surrogacy experience. Couples should increase how much they communicate and focus on boosting one another's self-esteem, particularly the wife's, he says.

"Women often feel like a failure, not being able to conceive. And a man can have feelings of gratitude toward the surrogate who is carrying his progeny," Hirsh says.

Despite the difficult dynamics psychologists say couples can face, real-life surrogate Carole Jackson says her experience on the whole was so "incredible" that if age wasn't a factor, she'd carry babies for other couples over and over again.