Book Excerpt: 'Cosbyology'

Nov. 13, 2001 -- In this small collection of wry comments and comic observations, Bill Cosby, approximates the character of his last TV incarnation, Cliff Huxtable, M.D.; the centerpiece of Cosby's then-groundbreaking portrayal of a black professional's family. Read the excerpt below.

Excerpt from Essays and Observations from the Doctor of Comedy:

Oh, Baby!

Planning to get married soon? Okay. Now listen to me carefully.

There was a song that spoke to me — thank God for melancholy poets and songwriters — because I couldn't express how badly I wanted her. But there was a song that said it all. And I just heard the words on the radio. "Ain't No Mountain High Enough."

Ain't no mountain high enough. To keep me from getting to you.

I mean, whether you're married or not, you know this song is telling your story. No mountain. High enough. To keep me from getting to you. Oh, baby. Oh, baby. No ocean wide enough to keep me from . . .

Oh, baby!

This beginning, this want, tells you to do things because you need that person. You accept this. And you will do things not asked of you by the person you want. As a matter of fact, you will volunteer. Like the song says.

You will climb mountains. You will wade through rivers. You will swim across oceans.

And the person you want hasn't even asked you to do anything like that. But you will do it.

The early years of marriage are fun in retrospect because both people are hoping it will last forever. Although they both would prefer to go straight to the Fiftieth Anniversary. That's because any sign of a difference in the relationship could cause "The Break Up." So, in the beginning, you will do anything to satisfy.

There will come a time in your marriage when both people begin to change. And in that change, there will be things that you're not going to do for her anymore. And there will be things that she's not going to do for you anymore. Some of this may be happening now. You will notice that the person will just — boom — stop. And they're not doing that for you anymore. And don't forget what I said. It doesn't make any difference. There are things I'm not doing anymore. And not because I can't. But because I don't want to.

Let me give you an example of what I'm talking about.

Ain't no mountain high enough. To keep me from getting to you.

Oh, baby!

The first year, I would climb that mountain in the winter up eight thousand feet. All she had to do was call my name. I'm there. Eight thousand feet above Denver.

Oh, baby!

On a Monday night — during football season — I'm there! By her side. Asking her command.

Oh, baby!

And I don't know when the change occurred. I don't know if it was the fifth year or the fifteenth. But I know today if somebody came up to me and said: Mr. Cosby, your wife is up on the top of the mountain and said for you to come up and get her. First thing I'd say is: Well, what the Hell is she doing up there? Then I'd call my daughter and say: go up there and get your mother and bring her down here and take her over to the hospital and see if she's all right.

Oh, baby!

But I love her more today than back then.

In the first years of your marriage you have to go to the bathroom, see. So you get up and you take your wife's arms — the two of you have been just holding each other, you know, you hold each other like you're floating. And suddenly, you hear this booming voice in your head.

You better go to the bathroom!

So you hit the light. Click! And she sits up and she's startled and she says:

"Oh, what's the matter, honey?"

You turn around and you kiss her — kiss, kiss, kiss — and say:

"Nothing wrong, dear. Nothing wrong."

And she holds you.

"Oh, it startled me. The lights were going on."

And you say:

"Yes, darling but I'll be all right. I'll be all right."

"You're not leaving me are you?"

And you reassure her.

"No honey. No."

And you kiss, and then you kiss some more. And you reassure her some more, tell her that everything is fine.

"I was just so frightened," she explains. "Where are you going?"

"Honey, I'm going to the bathroom, that's all."

And you kiss and you back away looking at her. And she's got her arm out. And you walk around the bed and you say:

"I'll be back, I'll be back."

And she says: "I'll miss you."

And then you make another dash to hold her on the other side of the bed.

"It won't be long, darling. One, two glasses, that's all. It won't be long."

And you go to the bathroom and you hurry yourself. You hurry and you clean up and you come back and she's still sitting there with her arms out.

"I thought you'd gone and left me," she says, sounding so relieved.

"No, honey, my darling."

And you kiss her and you turn the lights out and it's just fantastic. You know?

And I don't know if it was the fifth year or the fifteenth. But it was the most frightening experience and since then I haven't turned on those lights. I had to go to the bathroom — and as you get older you have to go — and sometimes by the time you get there you wonder why you got up. But I had to go. The booming voice told me I had to go.

You better get out of this bed!

And so I reached over and I hit the lights. Click! And a voice came out from my wife's body — I swear, I had never heard it before — and I jumped back and I said:

"What!?"

And this scary voice said something unintelligible. And I started to back away because I was frightened. I didn't know if this was the Exorcist in a high voice or what. And the face, her face was horrible — it was an angry face — but I knew it wasn't my wife.

So I said:

Who are you? Speak!"

And she spoke. It sounded like a high-pitched howling into a strong, whistling wind. "Turn off the liiighgh!"

I couldn't make out the words so I asked:

"The what?"

"The light! The light!"

"What is wrong with it?"

She shrieked: "Turn the light out!"

"But dear," I said calmly, "I have to go to the — "

The voice screamed back at me. "I don't care!"

And then she went into like a chant or something.

"Turn the light out. Turn the light out. Turn the light out. Turn the light out."

It was frightening. And then she grabbed the covers, pulled them over her head, whoosh, and from under the covers the voice kept chanting:

"Turn the light out. Turn the light out. Turn the light out. Turn the light out."

And so I turned the lights out and it didn't get any better. The voice was even scarier.

"Turn the light out! Light! Out! Out! Light!"

And I found myself walking to the bathroom in the dark and not knowing where I was. And so I went into the bathroom. Which brings me to a thought.

You know, when you go into the bathroom in the middle of the night, you do the dumbest things. You gamble and you don't touch the light at all. Walking in the dark, half asleep, searching for the bowl. And you find it with your calves. And you really think you're a genius. Yeah! You find the bowl with your calves. The calves will tell you because it's nice and cold around the bowl there. Feeling . . . feeling . . . okay! There it is! Easy. All right, we're on the right side of the bowl. Got it? All right, now we go the other way. So now you know you're straddling the bowl. I'm talking about men now. You know you're over the bowl. Now, you make a decision. You think: Should we gamble on if it's up or down? So, depending upon how long ago you were burned before, you reach down and you say:

"Oh, boy! I'm glad we didn't go for that shot that time!"

You lift up the lid and then you lift up the seat. You can't see, so you put you hand out and you lean against the wall and you rest your head on your shoulder. You're going to take a nap while you're going to the bathroom. Now, for men, you listen to the sound to tell you where you are. And that's the dumbest thing. Because you hear a high pitch and you say:

"Are we on there or what!?"

Now the stupid part is that when you start to move in the dark then you hear:

Brong!

You know you're on it now. And you have this conversation in your head.

Okay, now go to sleep. Go to sleep. But we made a mess. Yeah, we're going to have to clean it up. But right now I'm going to take a nap.

I'm going to tell you women something about men. Something that no man will tell you. It doesn't make any difference how much money, how big, how tall, how old, whatever, we all do the same thing. You're in a public place and you go to the men's room and you step up to the urinal and you are ready. The first thrust hits.

Whoosh!

And, of course, you're looking down. And you see, flying around in this bowl, a little black bug. And the thing is, it's not leaving the bowl, it's just flying around. You decide to declare war on this bug. This is really a great video game. I wish you women could see it because there are literally hundreds of men standing and dipping and bobbing and that's why they have those stalls there because men have literally followed the bug and hit another man.

"Hey, man! Keep your game over there to yourself!

But I have never killed or drowned one of these bugs and you always get mad at yourself for running out of ammunition. And that's why you see men come out of the men's room angry. Go right up to the bar and growl at the bartender.

"Give me nine bottles of beer. Right now! Nine bottles of beer because I'm going to kill a bug."

And the bartender says: "Oh, you got a tough one in there in stall three, George."

* * *

I want all of you to pay attention to this — those of you getting married soon. There's a sleeping position, greatest position of all time. It didn't happen until I got married and so I want to explain this to people who are getting married. The fellow, you get into bed and you're in this position — on your side, curled up — and you wait for your mate, and she's in the bathroom — you're in this curled position on your side — and she comes out of the bathroom, turns the light out, and gets in the bed. She backs in.

Oh, baby!

And you slide your left arm under her left arm and you pull her in even closer. There's no air between the two of you.

Oh, baby!

Your knees are bent, her knees are bent, I mean, the two of you, it's just fantastic. And you put your lips out softly and you say "Goodnight, dear." And she turns around and your lips meet and you kiss.

Oh, baby!

So you finish a wonderful kiss and it's the beginning, the first year of your marriage. Then comes that part that I didn't know about that makes it, it just makes it. You take your leg and you put it on top of her, just over her left hip. You just drop it right there, bent. And she'll even reach down and grab it.

Oh, baby!

And that is the best position, it's better than sucking your thumb.

I mean, and you keep that leg on her. She can turn over this way, you keep that leg right on her. And she'll move, you just follow her. You just stay right on her man, no matter where she goes you keep that leg on her.

Oh, baby!

It is the most wonderful thing. And I said:

"God Bless marriage. I didn't know anything about this. Fantastic!"

And I don't know if it was the fifth year or the fifteenth. I know she came out of the bathroom and she had on these killer curlers and I had on my hockey goalie mask. And she turned the light out and she got in the bed and backed in.

Boom!

And she knocked the wind out of me.

Oh, baby!

I kissed her on the shoulder and she kissed straight ahead. I put my leg on top of her. All of a sudden I heard a whistle. She said:

"Wheeeet!"

And she grabbed my leg and threw it.

"Hey! Take that leg off of me! Nobody wants a big fat leg hanging on them the rest of their life. Cutting off my circulation. What do you think I am, a pack mule? How would you like it if I put my leg on you?"

But I love her more today — more today — than back then.

Oh, baby!

Look, I'm telling you it's so cute the first year. The first year of our marriage she would get up in the morning to get ready for the day. It was so cute. And she would go into the bathroom and she was so quiet. You didn't hear any water running or anything. She was just tiptoeing around. And I always felt she was doing that because she didn't want me to hear her in there getting ready. Which I thought was cute. First year of marriage.

Oh, baby!

She thought I would leave her if I heard her in there, you know. Fantastic! And she'd come out an hour later just looking beautiful, man.

Oh, baby!

And I don't know if it was the fifth year of the fifteenth. I really don't know. I know that she got out of the bed and I heard the door close.

Slam! And the water. Pshhh! And she gargled. Rbarbarbarba! Oh, boy. All right. That was the one we were trying to get.

And then she came out an hour later looking the same as when she went in there. But I love her more today than back then when she was quiet.

Oh, baby!

There was a time in the beginning of our marriage I'd be sleeping. Snoring. And she said:

"Bill. Bill. Honey, you're snoring. Roll over on your stomach, I'll rub your back."

Oh, baby!

And I don't know if it was the fifth year of the fifteenth. I know I was asleep. And all of a sudden, panic set in my body and I knew I was dying. But there was a panic there because I knew there was no oxygen in my body. And I tried to open my mouth but I couldn't because my lips somehow were scotch taped together. And I tried to breathe through my nose and I opened my eyes and my wife was on top of me stuffing cotton in my nose. And she had a look on her face.

"I'm sick of this! I haven't slept in five weeks. All night that's all I've heard."

But I love her more today than back then when she would let me live.

Oh, baby!

Copyright © 2001 William H. Cosby Jr.